Desember 22, 2010

the nightmare never ends

I've always believed in God. and as a child and a girl and on a few occasions as an adult I've prayed. When I was a kid I asked for stupid things, then as a teenager during that horrible shit time I prayed just for strength to get me through it, and as an adult I prayed for guidance because sometimes I felt so lost. I don't really know why I did it, I didn't really expect anything magical to happen. But for some reason, getting down on my knees and putting my head on my bed (cliche I know, but it feels right) and speaking out loud, even if I was talking to myself , I always felt like a weight was lifted and I could start to see more clearly. Usually, the second I spoke, I was in tears and just repeating "Help me, help me, what should I do? I can't do this" into my bed covers until my body was tired and I'd just sit there in silence for awhile. Eventually I'd sit back, wipe my eyes and go back to whatever I was doing before, feeling like I'd at least emptied my heart of whatever emotions had been building up in there.

what's wrong with me? I felt bad. really bad.

I need You, God. more.

I know I sound miserable. When I re-read some of my posts I realize how depressed I sound and how it seems like I'm having a completely horrible time. But most of the time I trying to let the people know that I'm ok, even it's bad time. I'm cheerful but in fact, I can be irritatingly with someone or something, random of me! sometimes I'll let my self running to no where and it's only way to make a peace of mind even for a second. If I didn't have the tendency to do about everything under the sun, I'll let my self into a dark. I just play with the sun while smiling, I think most people I've met in wherever it is, would say that I'm a pretty happy and carefree person. but my mood in my last months (years?) until now was probably not as pretty good as yesterday to keep the scars and the nightmare.

what do you expect from your loneliness, stupid girl? and she don't know where to go, where to run, where to keep her heart warm? while the others busy with the same cliche story? she felt like the nightmare never ends.

she need You, God. even more.

So I just wanted to say that. Because when I tell everyone that most of the time I'm ok. Even happy. the fact that I get lonely easily, it's not especially at day or night. it's when I'm not in  the crowded of mall activities or in my friend apartment with others. the most time in my half life, I spend with my own . I always stay up until 5am or more or can't sleep for 2 days or even more. So when I'm lonely I think too much, and when I think too much I get depressed, and when I get depressed and I think my twitter is sick of hearing about it, I blog. So I might go write a letter now, because I'm scared my blog will get the same feeling just like my twitter..

I need You, God. I know I need You. not twitter or blog like I do.

so, tell me where are You? can you hear me? can you read this?




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